I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
