Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
