I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
