Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
