i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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