i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
