Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
