someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
