my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
