it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
