Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
