So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
