I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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