How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
