so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
