"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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