I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
