I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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