Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
kristin has been a bad kristin
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
