if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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