Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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