Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
