Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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