dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
