Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
