you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
