I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
