I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize