I hope mine doesn't look like that
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
