Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
