Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
