i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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