everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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