Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
