We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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