You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
