I think I am morally bankrupt
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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