I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
