I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
