Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
