She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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