tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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