I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have already put on my inside pants.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
