So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
