Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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