I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
