Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
