He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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