I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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