I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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