if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
