Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
