last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
