i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
