got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
