The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
