I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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